and growth

 There should be another "gr" word in the title of this blog...growth.  

In the 3+ years since my dad died, I have tried to minimize my grief.  And then my brother died.  And then my mom died.  And then we lost Christopher, our only child. (I smile when I write that, thinking of how he called himself a "single child" when he was little.) Grief on grief on grief on grief...and I kept trying to make it smaller so it didn't overwhelm me. 

My grief counselor told me that I would be in a relationship with grief for the rest of my life.  Okay, fine.  No choice there, but at least I could make grief more compact so it didn't demand so much space, right?  So it wasn't so noticeable. I'd rather carry around a marble-sized grief than a bowling ball-sized grief every day of my life.  

In case you are wondering how it's going, pick up the next bowling ball you see and try to squish it.  Same for me.  Shrinking grief is as impossible as ignoring it.  Grief has a way of getting your attention at the most inconvenient times.  

God gave me an idea this past weekend.  What if I give up on shrinking my grief and allow Him to help me grow around it?  As I grow, my friend Grief gets smaller in proportion.  Grief will always be there, but it doesn't have to be the elephant in the room all the time.  

How do I grow around grief?  Reading my Bible, praying, listening to God, being obedient to what He asks me to do.  I made a list several weeks ago, after my counselor asked me how I was going to cope well with grief.  It's really the same thing...coping well with grief and growing around it...semantics.

Here is my list:

• sink my roots down deep into the love of God
• allow myself to have hard days
• talk about Christopher
• be authentic
• stop listening to the lies (from inside and outside!)
• communicate
• cry, laugh, express all the emotions
• DO NOT ISOLATE
• give myself permission to be the new version of me
• do things that fill me up
• learn new hobbies
• write blogs and play ukulele

I keep adding to this list.  I have a purpose to fulfill in this life.  I need to be God's version of me to complete what He has called me to do.  I'll be growing around my grief until my last breath on earth.