facing the unpredictable

 My preference would always be AVOIDING the unpredictable.  Four tremendous losses in 2.5 years...unpredictable.  Losing my only child, my miracle boy, in an accident...unpredictable.  Thoughtless words that add insult to injury...unpredictable.  I could go on and on.  Life itself is unpredictable.  

My trauma scarred brain and heart scream...enough, enough, we can't take anymore unpredictable!  I've avoided situations with large numbers of people, not knowing whom I might see and what they might say to me.  I've avoided one on one contact with people who don't understand my grief or who have wounded me already.  I avoid chaos and things that make me uncomfortable. (For example, I will not be participating with my anatomy class on our yearly field trip to the cadaver lab at our local community college...too uncomfortable and unpredictable this year!) My emotions are already too unpredictable on their own.

I find myself drawn to people and places that provide consistent love and support and predictability.  Home, church, my classroom at school. Joe, my church family, my inner circle school community, lifelong friends, my grief counselor. I need those people and places now more than ever.  It doesn't take much to upset my apple cart these days.

I've found myself again praying Psalm 91.  Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God and I trust Him.  The rest of Psalm 91 is so good...I recommend it.  (My Bible has a coffee stain on Psalm 91...I have spent so much time there...and I spilled my coffee one morning.) 

God is predictable.  Malachi 3:6 says, "I am the Lord and I do not change."  Hebrews 13:8 declares, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." I believe that the Bible is the infallible Word of God, and the words that are written are Truth.  I can trust Him.

As I was writing that last paragraph, I could hear my mom's voice in my memory singing Psalm 46:1-2.  God is our refuge. God is our strength.  A very present help in trouble.  Therefore I will not fear though the earth be removed and though all the mountains be carried to the depths of the sea.  I'm not sure what Bible version that is...probably New American Standard, mom's favorite.  My mom was a good example to me and everyone who knew her.  She faced the unpredictable in her life by singing Bible verses.  She wielded the sword of the Spirit in a mighty way, even as she was preparing to go to heaven.  

The unpredictable is unavoidable in this life.  As hard as I try, I am still going to be blindsided. God promised in Psalm 91 that He would cover me with His feathers and shelter me with His wings.  I just need to stay there when the unpredictable comes, because it will.  And I will face it. 

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